She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
