HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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