I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
