I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
