Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
