we're chasing vodka with high fives
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
