You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
They have beer where we have blood.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
