after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
