Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So vagazzling was a success
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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