I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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