this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
