maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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