omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
