Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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