When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
