He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Someone signed my nipple.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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