I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
