I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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