dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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