I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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