I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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