Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
