I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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