I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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