Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I would ride that face into the sunset
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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