Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
