my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
