i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
