put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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