mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
