This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
