Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
