Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
