Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
