Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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