I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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