My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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