Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
as a side note pls kill me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
