I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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