u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
