put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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