The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
