apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
