she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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