I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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