You just made me feel so damn special
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
