she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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