I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
