Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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