i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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