Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
