fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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